TOW The Fake Break Up
by Megz
Summary: Monica and Chandler come home from thier honeymoon; the rest of the gang has a secret they chose not to share; beginning of season eight


TOW the Fake Break Up  
  
All you need to know is that Chandler and Monica are married; nothing else about the finale is in here. Also, I don't own these characters.   
  
  
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Joey, Rachel, Ross and Phoebe are there]  
  
Phoebe: I can't believe Monica and Chandler are in France, right now. [everyone smiles and nods]  
  
Joey: Something feels not right.  
  
Rachel: Yeah, something's missing.  
  
Ross: [obvious] Monica and Chandler?  
  
Joey: No something feels weird.  
  
Phoebe: Do you guys think it's that they're a married couple and we're all just a bunch of singles?  
  
Rachel: Maybe that's it.  
  
Ross: [opens fridge] You guys are all out of beer.  
  
Joey: Maybe Chandler and Monica have some. [They all exit the apartment]  
  
Ross: [tries the door, but it's locked] Does anyone have a key? [everyone shakes their head, no]  
  
Rachel: Well, they're always home. We don't need a key.  
  
Joey: [whines] I'm scared, this is too unreal! I hate change! Change is so not cool!  
  
Phoebe: [puts her arm around Joey] Don't worry, nothing's really changing. Monica and Chandler will tell you that, when they come home. I'm sure they don't want things to change.  
  
[cut to Monica and Chandler, seated on a balcony, sipping champagne in France]  
  
Monica: [way overly excited] I can't believe we're on our honeymoon!  
  
Chandler: [happily] I know! I can't believe it either, you know this changes everything!  
  
Monica: [still excited] I know! Isn't it great? I love change. [they clink glasses]  
  
  
Opening Credits  
  
  
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Phoebe and Rachel, reading, are sitting on the couch]  
  
Joey: [a waitress hands him a cup, and he takes a drink] Eww, this isn't coffee.  
  
Rachel: [looks at Joey] No, Joe, that's my herbal tea.  
  
Joey: Why would you drink that?  
  
Rachel: Because it's good and relaxing.  
  
Phoebe: Wow, I don't think any of us have had a the wrong drink since Rachel quit working here.  
  
Rachel: [shocked] What? Wrong drinks? I was a good waitress!  
  
Phoebe: [turns to Joey, ignores Rachel] So, Joey, you don't like herbal tea? [Joey shakes his head rapidly]  
  
Ross: [entering] Hey guys. [sits down] I just called the airline and Monica and Chandler's plane is coming in later tonight. I talked to them this morning, they want us just to meet them back at home.  
  
Rachel: I wonder what they brought us back from France. [excited] Hopefully something really cool.  
  
Joey: Yeah, like the Eiffel Tower.  
  
Ross: Joey, you can't bring back the Eiffel Tower.  
  
Joey: Fine. [waitress walks by] One herbal tea, please. [she nods]  
  
Phoebe: Now you want herbal tea? You said you hated it!  
  
Joey: It's good and relaxing, weren't you listening to Rachel?  
  
  
[Scene: the hallway between apartments, Chandler and Monica enter up the stairs, carrying their bags]  
  
Monica: That was the best honeymoon ever.  
  
Chandler: You've been on one before?  
  
Monica: You know what I mean. [kisses him] Thank you.  
  
Chandler: [smiles] For?  
  
Monica: Marrying me, then taking me to France, and now, for the rest of my life.  
  
Chandler: Well you're welcome. But, I must warn you, we've been married for a week,   
I've still got like 60 years to screw up. [pulls out key, unlocks door]   
  
Monica: We should go tell the others we're back.  
  
[cut to inside Joey and Rachel's apartment: Rachel, Joey, Phoebe and Ross are sitting, with their backs to the door]  
  
Phoebe: I can't stop thinking about how everything is changing.  
  
Rachel: Me neither, I mean, I am happy for Chandler and Monica, but I just don't know.  
  
Ross: I agree.   
  
Joey: I said it once and I'll say it again: I hate change! [picks up his mug] Ahh, herbal tea.  
  
[Chandler and Monica open the door and walk in smiling, but the others don't notice]  
  
Rachel: I feel guilty, but maybe I'm starting to wish they never even got married.   
  
[Chandler and Monica look shocked]  
  
Phoebe: Maybe I wish they never even got engaged.  
  
Ross: That they never even got together. [Chandler and Monica's mouths are wide open, in complete shock, they just quietly exit the apartment]  
  
[cut to: Chandler and Monica entering their apartment]  
  
Monica: [mad] I hate our friends! They are no longer our friends!  
  
Chandler: Why would they wish that?   
  
Monica: [crosses arms] They're just jealous!  
  
Chandler: Maybe we should give them a taste of their own medicine.  
  
Monica: What? I'm not jealous of them!  
  
Chandler: No, like pretend we're splitting up.  
  
Monica: Oh, I like it. So evil. You'll do fine as my husband.  
  
Chandler: [reacts the that comment, then continues] And they'll see just what it'd be like   
if we weren't together.  
  
Monica: Good plan, but before we start messing with our friends heads-  
  
Chandler: I thought they weren't our friends anymore.  
  
Monica: [correcting herself] Okay, but before we start messing with our ex-friends heads, can we please unpack? [Chandler smiles and nods]  
  
  
[Scene: hallway, Joey and Phoebe are exiting]  
  
Phoebe: Joey, why are we going to the coffee house? It's 9:30 at night.  
  
Joey: For some more herbal tea. [Phoebe rolls her eyes] [Joey points to Monica and Chandler's door] Look!  
  
Phoebe: [confused] A door?  
  
Joey: No, there is light coming from underneath it. [excited] They must be home! [opens door, Joey and Phoebe enter the apartment]  
  
Monica: [sitting on the couch] Hey guys.  
  
Joey: Hey! Where's Chandler?  
  
Monica: [angry] I don't know!  
  
Phoebe: What? Is everything okay?  
  
Monica: [stands up and starts pacing] We had a fight! Chandler and I are over!   
  
Joey: This is crazy [moves into the kitchen] Lets just sit down and have some herbal tea,   
it'll relax everyone.  
  
Phoebe: Monica, are you kidding?  
  
Monica: As of now, everything goes back to how it was before Chandler and I ever got together!  
  
Phoebe: [loudly] Monica, are you forgetting that you are married?  
  
Joey: Yeah, marriage and divorce isn't something that happens everyday. [pause] Unless you're Ross.  
  
Monica: I need a walk. [exits the apartment]  
  
Joey: This is just what the rest of us were talking about before!  
  
Phoebe: [confused] Walking?  
  
Joey: No, Monica and Chandler not being together!  
  
Phoebe: Oh, right, we should find Ross and Rachel.  
  
  
[cut to: Chandler is sitting in Central Perk, Ross and Rachel enter]  
  
Ross: [glad to see Chandler] Chandler! You guys are back?  
  
Chandler: [not so happy] Yeah, we're home from stupid France.  
  
Rachel: Why? What's the matter?  
  
Chandler: Monica and I broke up.  
  
Ross: [confused] In France?  
  
Chandler: Yeah, it's over. I'm officially sleeping on the couch.  
  
Rachel: Are you moving out?  
  
Chandler: [gets idea] Sure.  
  
Ross: Come on, maybe you guys just need to talk, this is crazy!  
  
Chandler: Nope, I should of never married her.  
  
[Ross and Rachel gasp at the same time]   
  
Chandler: I'm leaving, see you guys later. [leaves]  
  
Rachel: Oh my god! This is awful!  
  
Ross: [slightly confused] I thought this is what we wanted.   
  
Rachel: No, now I have to move back into Monica's apartment. Living with Joey is so   
much fun.   
  
Joey: [runs into the coffee house with Phoebe] Guys!   
  
Rachel: Did you hear about Monica and Chandler? [starts crying]  
  
Phoebe: yeah, it's awful!  
  
Ross: Okay, we need to get them back together.  
  
Joey: [triumphant] A plan!  
  
Phoebe: Okay, Rachel you- [sees Rachel crying] What's the matter with you?  
  
Rachel: I just am so sad for them. Divorce is awful.  
  
Ross: We've been divorced.  
  
Rachel: [starts crying even louder, Joey puts his arm around her]  
  
  
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Chandler is asleep on the couch, Monica quietly enters]  
  
Monica: Chandler.  
  
Chandler: [wakes up, quickly] What?  
  
Monica: Hi.  
  
Chandler: [smiles when he sees her] Hey.  
  
Monica: Ross is staying with me, and it took him hours to fall asleep.   
  
Chandler: Whoa, all this sneaking around, totally deja-vu.   
  
Monica: [smiling] I know. Except this time, we're married. [hear shuffling from Joey's room]  
  
Chandler: Oh no. [Joey enters from his room]  
  
[Chandler and Monica stand up quickly]  
  
Monica: [to Chandler, angrily] I want those divorce papers tomorrow!  
  
Chandler: [realises what's she's doing] Fine! You'll get them, you - you - controlling   
freak!  
  
Monica: [trying not to smile] Well you're a - a - maniac.  
  
Joey: Whoa, guys, calm down.  
  
Rachel: [enters from her room] What's going on?  
  
Joey: They're fighting.  
  
Chandler: You're a nasty, vicious, cruel hag.  
  
Monica: You're a crazed, demented, uncontrolled lunatic! [punches him in the arm]  
  
Chandler: Ouch! [gives her a light push]  
  
Monica: [hits him hard in the face, Chandler falls over, she storms out]  
  
Joey: Whoa, are you okay? [helps him up]  
  
Rachel: [runs to the fridge] Do you want some ice? Joey, is there any ice?  
  
Joey: I don't know, but I think we have one of those cooling pads.  
  
Rachel: We have a cooling pad? Why?  
  
Joey: [puzzled] I don't know. [opens a cupboard and tons of herbal tea packets fall out]  
  
Chandler: I can't believe she hit me. I'm glad we're not together anymore. [touches head] I think I'm bleeding.  
  
Rachel: This is absolutely insane! What happened?  
  
Chandler: [needs an idea] She cheated on me.  
  
Joey/ Rachel: What?!  
  
Chandler: Yeah with some French guy.  
  
Rachel: That doesn't sound like Monica.  
  
  
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment, Ross and Phoebe storm in, Monica is sitting   
alone at the table]  
  
Monica: Hey guys.  
  
Phoebe: You cheated on Chandler?  
  
Monica: [confused] What?  
  
Ross: That's what Rachel said he said.  
  
Monica: [realises] Oh, yeah I did, but only because he cheated on me with another woman.  
  
Ross: This is just like some soap opera. Like when Antonio cheated on Samantha because she cheated on- [Monica and Phoebe are looking at him weird]   
  
Phoebe: What?  
  
Ross: I don't watch soaps.  
  
Phoebe: Come on Ross, lets go tell Rachel and Joey. [they leave]  
  
[Monica starts cleaning away some dishes, Chandler enters, has a bandage on his head]  
  
Monica: Where have you been, I've been looking for you all day.  
  
Chandler: I went and picked us up divorce papers, to you know throw the others off.  
  
Monica: Good plan. [notices his head] What's with your face?  
  
Chandler: I had to get stitches.  
  
Monica: [Shocked] Why? What happened.  
  
Chandler: You punched me remember.  
  
Monica: How did I cut you?  
  
Chandler: [takes her hand and holds it up to his head, pulls off bandage] See the indent on   
my face, matches the size of your wedding ring.  
  
Monica: [laughs] Oh my god, I'm so sorry.  
  
Chandler: Okay, this has gone too far.  
  
Monica: Especially now since everyone thinks we cheated on each other.  
  
Chandler: Each other? You cheated on me.  
  
Monica: Not what I told them. [pause] So I'm a hag?  
  
Chandler: I'm a lunatic?  
  
Monica: Sorry. [laughs]  
  
Chandler: I don't like not living with you anymore.  
  
Monica: I know, it sucks.  
  
Chandler: You know if we were still [makes hand quotes] "together" I would kiss you.  
  
Monica: I'd kiss you back. Then I'd take your shirt off.  
  
Chandler: I'd take yours off. [edges closer to her]  
  
Monica: [edges closer] If we were still "together" I'd like that.  
  
Chandler: Okay, screw that. [grabs her and passionately kisses her]  
  
  
[Scene: Hallway, Phoebe, Ross, Rachel and Joey enter from the stairs]  
  
Ross: Okay, so the plan is that we force them to stay in the apartment with us until they're back together?   
  
Rachel: Who came up with this plan?  
  
Joey: I saw it once on All In The Family.   
  
Phoebe: Do you hear that?  
  
Rachel: [pause, turns to Joey] Joey, not again!  
  
Joey: What! It wasn't me.  
  
Ross: I think she means the noise coming from Monica and Chandler's apartment. [all put there ears against the door]  
  
Rachel: Oh my god! Monica's cheating on Chandler again.  
  
[cut back into the apartment, Chandler and Monica are making out on the kitchen table, they're fully clothed, except Monica's missing her shirt (she's still got her bra on, geez) , and so is Chandler. Nothing they wouldn't show us on regular TV *rolls eyes*]  
  
Monica: [breaking the kiss] Okay, I think I hear someone in the hall.  
  
Chandler: [ignores her] Who cares. [goes to kiss her again, but she moves, he falls] Ouch, my head. [pause] Again.  
  
Monica: [looks through peephole] Oh god, it's everyone. [looks around] Where's my shirt?  
  
Chandler: [gets up] I don't know. I'll hide in the bedroom. [enters the bedroom]  
  
Monica: [still looking for her shirt] ok.  
  
[cut back to the hallway]  
  
Rachel: Okay, I think we should go in there and catch her in the act.  
  
Ross: [taken aback] Eww, no! That's my sister.  
  
Joey: [walks up to door, upset] Dude, that's our best friends wife! This is like adultery!  
  
Rachel: Joey, that's a difficult word for you.  
  
Phoebe: [to Rachel] You think that Joey of all people doesn't know what adultery is?  
  
Joey: [opens door] Monica! [the rest of them follow him]  
  
Monica: Ahh! [shocked, grabs Chandler's shirt from floor and covers her top with it] What the hell?  
  
Ross: You're cheating on Chandler!  
  
Rachel: And we've come to stop it!  
  
Monica: [angry] Do you see another person in here?  
  
Joey: Whose shirt is that?  
  
Monica: [looks at it] Uh, well -   
  
Ross: I bet he's in the bedroom. [they all go over to it, open it, Chandler steps out]  
  
Joey: Hey, man! Monica's cheating on you!  
  
Rachel: Joey, you moron! Chandler's who she was making out with.  
  
Joey: Oh. But you guys are like separated.   
  
Chandler: No we weren't.   
  
Monica: We heard you guys talking about us being split up so we pretended we were.  
  
Rachel: We're sorry, we should have never said that.  
  
Ross: Yeah, so you guys are okay?  
  
Monica: We're fine [goes over to Chandler and kisses him]  
  
Phoebe: Then why'd you punch him?  
  
Monica: No one calls me a hag.  
  
Joey: [smiling] So now, what you guys going to do?  
  
Chandler: [not impressed] Ask you guys to leave.  
  
Ross: [quickly] Yeah, we're leaving. [they all leave]  
  
Monica: [sighs, puts her arms around Chandler's neck] I'm so glad we're back together.  
  
Chandler: Me too, we can now live like a regular married couple. [smiles] You can boss me around, and I can be lazy and you can cook me food and be all "Hi honey" when I come home.   
  
Monica: We did that before.  
  
Chandler: But now, we're husband and wife.  
  
Monica: [kisses him] Plus I can introduce you as my husband, Chandler Bing.  
  
Chandler: And I can introduce you as my wife, Monica Bing.  
  
Monica: Aww.   
  
Chandler: Can you believe I actually picked us up divorce papers to fool them, and now we have no use for them.   
  
Monica: Just put them in the drawer, you never know.  
  
Chandler: [shocked] What?  
  
Monica: [smiles] I'm kidding! We'll rip them up. [pause] Or save them for Ross.  
  
  
Ending Credits  
  
  
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Ross, Phoebe, Rachel and Joey are eating breakfast]  
  
Rachel: I'm glad everything with Chandler and Monica has sorted out.  
  
Joey: Well I'd still be mad, they cheated on each other.  
  
Ross: No they didn't.  
  
Phoebe: Joey, that was a lie.  
  
Joey: [feels dumb] Oh, I know.  
  
Monica: [entering with Chandler] Hey guys. [all reply; hey]  
  
Chandler: So, everyone I'd like you to meet my wife, Monica Bing.  
  
Ross: What are you doing?  
  
Monica: He's practicing.  
  
Rachel: Aww, that's so cute.  
  
Monica: [kisses Chandler] I know. COme on, honey, we've got places to be. [they leave]  
  
Phoebe: [sarcastic] Newly married couples. Get me a bucket.  
  
Ross: Yeah, everything's so different.  
  
Joey: Sometimes I wish they never got together . . . [everyone else groans] What? [pause] You guys seemed stressed; let me make you some tea.  
  
THE END  
  
Please review.  
  
megz@attcanada.ca  
  



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